"i need a whole lot bunch of money to buy ibu lots and lots of good things"

today I've talked to my parents that i don't want to pursue a career that suit my previous study what so ever.
then i read that line. that i wrote in my other well private blog about 3 weeks ago, when i convinced myself why do i have to push my self to pursue a career there.

now i feel kinda guilty to kinda forget about what i've wrote earlier (or the reason behind it) :(

sigh..

geez i really do complain a lot tonight, don't i?

stowaway

the last four years, were filled with too much acceptances or struggled to accept it, revenge plans, or lots and lots back up plans like trying to forget and forgive and lived with it, which ended up in more and more lies to self more and more denial more and more questions and doubt and really what am i trying to prove here? I've collected way too many evidences. and it is unfortunately tiring, killing me inside, eating me alive, I've tried almost everything to achieve too many goals that are useless and meaningless, because it was all lies, that I've lost myself along the way. I locked myself a little bit too long on things that i thought i would never achieve because I believed I can't, because I already believed that i am limited without even know what the limit is. I lost my interest almost in everything without even got the chance or let myself find out what it is. And please do mind my bad English because my mind were way to cluttered. I feel like I've wasted a freaking 4 and half years to prove myself i can or to prove them that it was wrong and yet til today i really don't know what i have to prove. It turned out to be nothing. which makes my last four years become more and more meaningless. I want to believe that there's nothing late for everything, but it turns out like it is already late. and in this very short break i got myself wonder which step i have to take. It is gonna be devastated to waste another year or day or even second to continue my four year journey. Yet it has been a pretty long journey just to leave it all behind. It is just that how am i supposed to find myself in a journey where I didn't even bought the ticket myself, i am just a stowaway.

some people are lucky enough to know what things can make them happy.
well, unluckily i am not one of them.
There are things that i thought would make me happy once i got them, but then when it handed to me (or well in this case it wasn't handed though, i strive to death for it)i just don't feel anything in particular. just a big relief. not that i am not grateful, it's just not what i thought it would be.

but well the good thing is, i fully aware now that i have to continue living and trying lots and lots and lots of different things, taking chances and risk, til i found out what is suit me well. what makes happy.

oh my dear Lord it is december for gracious sake.

oh my dear Lord, is it December already? happy things are waiting for me. happy things that i wish i could postponed for a sec a day or two. birthday, christmas, and new year that i wish would come late.

a not so happy thing that i wish would come late too. deadline.
i cant even helped myself to count how many days are left.

ignorance is a bliss, indeed

let’s for once be an audience of this messy chaotic life of ours.
sit back and relax.
put your i pod on, turn the volume up and listen to your favorite song.
watch the people running around crazily.
chasing the bus.
running late for an interview.
study hard for the exam.
cursing and yelling to the neighbor’s dog.
nod your head up and down.
not to them but to your favorite song.
let all the good chances slip away through your finger.
and just singing along
to your favorite song.
isn’t it great?
and when you don’t feel enough
just push the repeat button
on your favorite song

inspired from here