Smitsus Circus

stowaway

2012-02-01T00:03:00.002+07:00

the last four years, were filled with too much acceptances or struggled to accept it, revenge plans, or lots and lots back up plans like trying to forget and forgive and lived with it, which ended up in more and more lies to self more and more denial more and more questions and doubt and really what am i trying to prove here? I've collected way too many evidences. and it is unfortunately tiring, killing me inside, eating me alive, I've tried almost everything to achieve too many goals that are useless and meaningless, because it was all lies, that I've lost myself along the way. I locked myself a little bit too long on things that i thought i would never achieve because I believed I can't, because I already believed that i am limited without even know what the limit is. I lost my interest almost in everything without even got the chance or let myself find out what it is. And please do mind my bad English because my mind were way to cluttered. I feel like I've wasted a freaking 4 and half years to prove myself i can or to prove them that it was wrong and yet til today i really don't know what i have to prove. It turned out to be nothing. which makes my last four years become more and more meaningless. I want to believe that there's nothing late for everything, but it turns out like it is already late. and in this very short break i got myself wonder which step i have to take. It is gonna be devastated to waste another year or day or even second to continue my four year journey. Yet it has been a pretty long journey just to leave it all behind. It is just that how am i supposed to find myself in a journey where I didn't even bought the ticket myself, i am just a stowaway.

2012-01-07T01:32:00.002+07:00

some people are lucky enough to know what things can make them happy.
well, unluckily i am not one of them.
There are things that i thought would make me happy once i got them, but then when it handed to me (or well in this case it wasn't handed though, i strive to death for it)i just don't feel anything in particular. just a big relief. not that i am not grateful, it's just not what i thought it would be.

but well the good thing is, i fully aware now that i have to continue living and trying lots and lots and lots of different things, taking chances and risk, til i found out what is suit me well. what makes happy.

oh my dear Lord it is december for gracious sake.

2011-12-07T02:08:00.009+07:00

oh my dear Lord, is it December already? happy things are waiting for me. happy things that i wish i could postponed for a sec a day or two. birthday, christmas, and new year that i wish would come late.

a not so happy thing that i wish would come late too. deadline.
i cant even helped myself to count how many days are left.

ignorance is a bliss, indeed

2011-11-09T02:07:00.003+07:00

let’s for once be an audience of this messy chaotic life of ours.
sit back and relax.
put your i pod on, turn the volume up and listen to your favorite song.
watch the people running around crazily.
chasing the bus.
running late for an interview.
study hard for the exam.
cursing and yelling to the neighbor’s dog.
nod your head up and down.
not to them but to your favorite song.
let all the good chances slip away through your finger.
and just singing along
to your favorite song.
isn’t it great?
and when you don’t feel enough
just push the repeat button
on your favorite song

inspired from here

2011-11-09T02:06:00.000+07:00

i want to release everything that my body content. to emptied it out. fully. so that i will have nothing inside me. but not the kind of emptiness that will you leave a hole in your body or a lonely feeling after it. though, all this time I’ve put everything inside of me, and carried them around. yet, i still feel lonely most of the time. but you know, the kind of emptiness that will leave you a lighter body. that when you lay on the ground and made yourself a snow angel you’ll feel like the wind could lift you up off the ground. and when you close your eyes all you see is not a dark hole but a kaleidoscope sky.the emptiness that finally freed you.

2011-10-31T22:53:00.002+07:00

oh
nagasaki hirosima di bom lagi
duar duar duar duar
di kepalaku
dan palang merah telat datang lagi

2011-10-29T20:08:00.001+07:00

#2908

ı ʍɐs ɔɹʎıuƃ ʇɥǝ ʍɥolǝ uıƃɥʇ ʇɥɹonƃɥ˙ sɥɐɯǝlǝsslʎ˙

uoʍ ı ɟǝǝl sɥɐɯǝɟnl

better late than never no?

2011-10-19T19:29:00.004+07:00

it takes three and a half years
471 notes in note pad
hundred unwritten poems in my head
and so much for #nomention letters in twitter and tumblr and here

for me to realized that no matter how good you're changing
if it turns you into a stranger to yourself
if you do it for other's sake
then it is not a good change

always almost

2011-10-14T23:45:00.003+07:00

just found out this old poem somewhere in my laptop. and this is kinda yeye actually. but i feel like posting it tough.

you were always almost
knock on my heart

you were always almost
fly me to the highest sky

you were always almost
turn me down
before you pick me up again

but i never fell out for you
never, not even almost

super yeye isnt it? uweee *blush*

pembaca pikiran

2011-10-09T10:47:00.004+07:00

Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang tidak terjawab
Tergantung di ujung-ujung jari yang terlalu berat
atau malah lebih parahnya lagi
saat tanda tanya lain keluar sebagai pembalas
Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang kamu (pura-pura) hiraukan
diam-diam aku yakin
aku tahu jawabannya (iya)

2011-10-07T19:30:00.001+07:00

tell me how to stop

:"}

2011-10-07T15:18:00.002+07:00

pooƃ slǝǝɟ ɐpuıʞ ʇı puɐ ˙noʎ ɟo ǝsnɐɔǝq ɹǝƃuol ou s,ʇı puɐ ʎɐɹd ı

Dear, Sir

2011-09-13T19:52:00.003+07:00

just for one moment could you please tell me one beautiful lie for a while
not like for forever
just tell me until all tits and tats done
i need something to calm me down
until all those craps are done
after that
you're free to tell all those bitter truths
and i won't mind
i'll embrace it with the biggest smile
but just for now
would you just please tell me those beautiful lies?

2011-09-07T21:54:00.002+07:00

so i've decided not to go or even make any plan to go somewhere far before i've done this whole skripsi thinggy.

ah well tapi kan jauh itu relatif iya ga sih? :P

ya Allah cepetan dong selesainya :"(

2011-09-06T11:25:00.002+07:00

they may have two different point of view about God
but the fact that she still made him six days of tahlilan when he passed away is just too sweet :')

and for some reasons i believe that couple who came from different religion and not pushed one another to change their religious point of view are much stronger than they who are not, because of the tolerance that are growing between them in their whole life together.

tie the knot

2011-09-02T12:16:00.002+07:00

life is one ironic bitch isn't it?

so i've found this pic over my friend's tumblr a few times ago. and yet it still bothers me so much til now.
I used to believe that either those parallel lines wont ever meet or those lines that come from different direction meet and that's it. the idea that they're gonna drift apart again is somehow makes me sad.

but hey well. Can't we just tie those meet strings or lines or whatsoever it is into a very complicated knot that somehow it's pretty much impossible to untie it? or can't we just braid the rest of the string until it's very last end?

See, i know everything will drift apart in the end. but once those string meet there are thousands way to keep those met string tight up together until well maybe only death set them apart?

yeah at least those thoughts save me from such sad thoughts about those ironic strings

lebaran

2011-08-31T21:20:00.000+07:00

Hari ini lebaran..
Semoga ada damai di hati yah

*sambil sibuk megangin hati biar ga mencelos ke lantai*

2011-08-29T21:56:00.002+07:00

i want us to get this thing to an end
so that i could know you from the very start all over again
in a different point of view

2011-08-29T12:54:00.002+07:00

somehow she knew it was all lies.
yet somehow she keeps on waiting.

dan menunggulah dia di bawah pohon kedunguan.

2011-08-25T23:33:00.002+07:00

when a man jerked so many girls and you still whole heartily believe in every single words he says. tell me what it is, if it's not stupidity, tell me what it is.

*sigh*

a clear black sky

2011-08-23T13:28:00.003+07:00

i've wiped all the dark clouds away
a clear blue sky i've given you
now you asking me to catch all the rainbow too?
how clear do you wish the sky could be?
i could give you everything you ever wanted
bringing down the heaven if you may then i would
but do you realize, dont you?
a black empty sky will be the only thing left for you

2011-08-19T09:01:00.000+07:00

Sayang itu bagus
Tapi sayang dan berekspektasi buat disayang balik
Itu sakit jiwa

2011-08-02T01:18:00.002+07:00

i know it's the first or second since it already past 12 now of ramadhan. but that bitch. she's just creeping back into my thought. darn!

those stupid writings that i belief were meant for her.
you bitch! that was never your fault.

it is just i wished i have something or someone to be blamed to.

mohon maaf lahir dan batin

2011-07-14T01:00:00.000+07:00

Quote #14612:

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

(Carl Gustav Jung)

how to be a person?

2011-07-14T00:12:00.002+07:00

being a human is easy after all
sleep well
wake up
take a deep breath (to convince that ur still alive)
take a long sigh
and walk the day

being a person?
well it's another story

dear, alter ego

2011-06-25T12:24:00.003+07:00

sus
gini loh
you just cant meet random people
and decide to love them

it's just...
not healthy!

all the love and expectations and whatsoever that you put in your/in my mind. you better take them all out right now. because sometimes to have no expectations in anything or anyone is just normal.

2011-06-25T12:17:00.002+07:00

just gone through my old posts. it brings a bittersweet feeling actually. i miss the old me who made a melancholy-colorful poetry for you. see, it's just make me realize that i am always in my best when i with you. grrr

eh ini apa sih blah sekali deh

2011-06-25T12:08:00.002+07:00

ketemu sama orang yang udah lama banget ga pernah kita jumpai itu rasanya kaya:
akhirnya ngelunasin utang yang udah lama banget ga di bayar-bayar.
lega.

2011-05-08T02:41:00.000+07:00

Just in case you're wondering about me and all my shuttered feeling, and forget all your selfishness behind and read this just for the sake of finding out, this is how I really feel:

"You make me feel like a useless shit. And that is what hurt me the most. Period!"

That's all.

loosing faith

2011-05-08T02:21:00.000+07:00

When the only person you trust the most is laying, tell me what is left to hold on?
When the only person you care the most is laying, tell me what is left to say, what is left to listen to?
And if all that I did wasn't enough, tell me what is left to give?

I always be the only person who are sad when you are sad
And now I know why, because that's all you gave me

Spare me some happiness spare me some truth

Spare me something to hold on to, because I am loosing faith, and who knows I might loosing you

Words are always fall through me and always fool me and so does you
And this might be the only place you can't see me

*sigh*

caterpillar,angel,and apple

2011-03-07T10:26:00.000+07:00

you’re like the stranger in the night
of the city of the blinding lights*
tip-toe-ing between trees
of the concrete jungle**
Where the angles are all lost
and need to be found
Where i like a small caterpillar
secretly eating the big apple
on my own

*taken from U2 song “The City of Blinding Lights”

**taken from Alicia Keys song “Streets of New York”

2011-02-12T22:30:00.001+07:00

ʇou ˙noʎ ɹǝʌo os ɯɐ ı

it's just the time

2011-02-12T22:09:00.003+07:00

i am not here nor there.i am just floating in space. well i always floating in space. in between the earth and my own universe. sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. sometimes it's lonely, sometimes i got my own company. mostly it's amazing. not anyone can have an adventure like mine. i have my own moon, mars, and venus. i could choose which planet i want to live in every single night. which star i want to ride.
but i am done exploring them, what i have left now?
i need to settle down a bit. rest my feet. but where?
well floating can be very tiring though

dear, ibu

2011-01-26T11:36:00.002+07:00

i miss my dutch course. i miss it miss it miss it.
my current office is only 10 minutes busway ride from erasmus huis. So tell me mother why can't i continue my study? WHY?

hello hello meet me again

2011-01-26T11:08:00.005+07:00

well it's been a while since my last post.
and hell yeah i miss this place
i feel like a polygamy who can't treat my wives fairly, well in this case my tumblr and blog account. SAD

well anyway,
HAPPY NEW YEAR
i am still thinking about what's the best resolution i should committed to. Since I've promise my self that my 2011 resolution should be something that is realistic and has a great chance to be achieved, unlike those other past years. Any idea anyone?

postcard malam

2010-12-07T01:13:00.002+07:00

dan aku jadi bingung harus membantu siapa terlebih dahulu, diriku sendiri atau kamu?
bisakah kita bersama-sama bahu membahu saja?
yah semoga bisa.

well anyway. goodnight, sleep tight, don't let your mind eat you alive. :*

menghapus hari

2010-11-11T23:27:00.004+07:00

Tidak ada yang tahu tentang bencana sore itu. Tidak satu pun di rumah nya yang sadar, atau yang matanya cukup terbuka untuk melihat tekuk di wajahnya. Tidak ada satu pun kawan yang melihat remuk di hatinya.

Atau tidak ada yang tega untuk bertanya? Bisa jadi.

Langitnya runtuh begitu saja. Amblas. Tanpa basa basi. Tanpa pemberitahuan sebelumnya. Sulit baginya untuk percaya saat semua terjadi begitu cepat. Langitnya runtuh dalam satu kejapan mata. Langitnya bahkan runtuh saat ia sedang terbahak.

Di sudut hatinya ia masih yakin bahwa langitnya masih terbentang dan bulannya masih tergantung tinggi. Maka sekali lagi ia mendongak ke atas, mencari bintang dan bulannya. Mencari cahaya yang menjadi tujuan hidup nya. Namun kali ini yang ada hanya ruang hampa hitam. Gelap.

Langitnya runtuh dan itu nyata

Dilantai tempat ia berdiri tersebar serpihan bintang-bintang miliknya yang berserakan jatuh. Bintang-bintang yang ia gantung dengan susah payah satu persatu, dengan tangga setinggi angkasa. Ia menyapu serpihan-serpihan itu. sendirian. Yang menemaninya hanya suara isak tangis dalam hatinya.

Ya, tidak ada yang perduli
Tapi baginya lebih baik begitu

Karena setelah ia menyapu serpihan bintangnya dan menaruh mereka di botol, ia tinggal menghapus hari ini dari kalender, toh tidak ada yang tahu, tidak ada yang sadar.
Ia akan pura-pura tidur panjang seharian. Besok subuh subuh sekali ia akan bangun sebelum yang lain bangun, untuk melukis langit yang baru, menggantung bintang dan bulan yang baru.

Dan tidak akan ada yang tahu langitnya pernah runtuh.

Ia pun tidak akan pernah tahu, baginya langit runtuh hanya akan menjadi bagian dari tidur siangnya. Mimpi buruk yang mengusik saat ia asik terlelap. Mimpi buruk yang ia harap dapat lekas terhapus dari benaknya.

Dan hari dimana langitnya runtuh hanya akan menjadi sejarah yang mungkin ada atau mungkin tidak. menjadi hari yang terhapus begitu saja. menjadi hari tanpa arti.

sing a song for me

2010-11-08T00:33:00.005+07:00

do you feel like singing?
cause right now I feel like dancing
and I can't start without you

kontemplasi

2010-10-02T17:22:00.000+07:00

menanam kebencian tidak pernahlah baik
apalagi memupuki dan menyiraminya
sampai ia tumbuh begitu subur
dihalaman hati mu yang gersang dan kelabu
maka marilah kita
menebangnya atau jika terlalu sayang
abaikan lah
sampai ia nanti layu dan mati sendiri
butuh waktu, memang
apalagi jika ia telah tumbuh begitu besar dihati mu
tapi apalah ruginya mengabaikan hal yang hanya dapat
membuat gersang dan kerontang halaman hati mu sayang?

blah, human!

2010-09-17T01:11:00.002+07:00

i really don't get it. if you don't want people to know then don't tell any of 'em. if you don't want people to speculate about you then don't do anything that is beyond what your society usually see.
That's life, people speculate, people making things up in their head about others just by seeing them.

Geez what is so wrong with people now days?
all we wanted is the attention but not ready for the consequences of being judged

simpan saja dulu sebentar lagi

2010-09-06T21:23:00.000+07:00

Aku membuka-buka lagi. Kebencian-kebencian yang kusimpan rapat. Inikah malam yang tepat untuk membuang mereka semua?

Ah rasanya jangan dulu

Simpan lah sebentar lagi rasa bencimu, paling tidak sampai kau dapat hafal mereka satu persatu secara terperinci. Jangan sampai gegabah dan membuang mereka semua lalu jatuh di lubang yang sama di masa depan.

Karena terkadang menyimpan kebencian sama dengan belajar.

Menyimpan bukan berarti tidak memaafkan, hanya saja tidak melupakan.

Lagi pula kau juga sudah terlanjur ingat semua, di buang tidak dibuang akan sama saja.

Memaafkan memang mudah, namun melupakan merupakan rahasia alam.

Tidak ada yang tahu bagaimana seseorang bisa lupa akan sesuatu karena jika ia tahu maka ia akan ingat

June the 14th 2010. sacred date, yes!

2010-08-17T00:45:00.005+07:00

I WATCHED MIKA LIVE!!

hahahaha i can even feel the happiness through my blood up 'til now. IT WAS DARN GOOD!!

i am speechless. Just read my dear friend blog, Au to find out more since i really don't know how to put it in words (or way too lazy think about the proper word to explain the happiness) hahaa

it was amazing, really, even word can tell..

it is 12:52 in the morning now, where i suddenly remember this good thing!

oleh-oleh dari medan #1

2010-08-17T00:27:00.002+07:00

Gunung Leuser Nation Park

Located in Bukit Lawang, Medan, North Sumatra, here we can see orang utan in their natural habitat. We can visit and see the orang utan closely in their feeding time which is at 9 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon. To get there (the feeding area) first we have to cross the river then trekking about 2km high. But if you are way too tired (or lazy or just not adore nature that much) you can just stay at the rehabilitation center and wait for the orang utang to come down from the mountain, they are usually follow the feeder after they get their foods.

it was really fun plus the ticket price is extremely cheap!

see other pics. of my journey to bukit lawang on my tumblr! :D

: Flavors.me

2010-08-16T14:42:00.000+07:00

: Flavors.me

Pada suatu malam

2010-08-03T14:52:00.002+07:00

Malam ini aku harus menulis sesuatu, entah apa, namun ada rasa menggebu yang mengharuskannya. Andai saja aku mempunyai daya khayal yang tinggi, mungkin saat ini aku sedang sibuk membuat cerita dongeng seperti dirinya. Tentang rumah kue di padang savanna, atau kurcaci-kurcaci penambang emas di hutan para peri.

Aku ingin menulis mengenai hal-hal yang aku suka, seperti cerita fable mengenai burung-burung bersayap indah dan penguhuni hutan atau mengenai bintang-bintang laut yang anggun dan serdadu kuda laut yang gagah di negeri para duyung. Aku ingin menulis roman yang berakhir bahagia dengan putri-putri yang diselamatkan pangeran berkuda. aku ingin menyelesaikan semua cerita yang pernah kukarang setengah-setengah di dalam benak, aku ingin menulis tentang semuanya dan harus malam ini.

Malam ini aku harus membuktikan bahwa mungkin saja aku menang. Entah kepada siapa, entah untuk apa, yang aku tahu hanya malam ini rasanya pas saja.

Malam ini semua harus selesai dan aku tidak tahu harus memulai dari mana. Mungkin aku harus mulai dengan kalimat “pada suatu hari”?

Baiklah,

Pada suatu malam (karena ini sudah sangat larut),

Aku kalut lagi.

Bbknmdg15,1Aug10 ,2.20 dini hari

a floating gas balloon

2010-07-15T01:39:00.004+07:00

have you ever been in a situation where you are too afraid to put on some hopes and yet too lazy to make some back-up plans? where you basically can't rely on anything or anyone. life with no purposes and aims not because you don't know what you want, but because you have feel satisfied enough with what you have and done, that you don't feel like you have to ask for anything else. Me, i am living it now.

yes, i have no goals, no direction, i might be lost in my own life.

but I've got things that wanted more than i thought i would and my basic needs fulfilled.

That all i wanna do is just to sit back and relax, watch the world spinning, do and think about nothing, with no plans to be worried about.

I guess this time I'll surrender my self in the hand of the wind and let it takes me where ever it wishes to take me.

and hopefully maybe when I finally touch the ground again I already know where i am heading to.

There are a lot more than a sadness (note to self)

2010-07-08T00:34:00.004+07:00

Semua hal-hal buruk pasti ada ujungnya, pertanyaannya adalah apakah kita rela kehilangan mereka?

"People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."
-Chuck Palahniuk (via thechocolatebrigade)

Padahal mungkin saja that big scary unknown adalah kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan yang terlewatkan karena kita terlalu fokus pada hal-hal yang buruk dan tidak sesuai ekspektasi kita.

Toh sebenarnya selalu ada dua sisi dalam setiap hal yang terjadi di hidup kita, ada sedih maka ada senang, ada yang di dapat maka ada yang harus dikorbankan.

Pada kenyataannya hidup tidak selamanya menyuguhi hal-hal yang buruk, hanya saja kita yang selalu terlena dengan paradigma bahwa hal baik tidak terjadi selamanya, dan hal buruk akan selalu datang. Bersiap-siap dengan segala kemungkinan yang terburuk itu baik, tapi selalu memikirkan kemungkinan yang terburuk setiap saat membuat kita lupa akan adanya hal-hal dan kemungkinan lain yang menyenangkan.

Maka marilah kita bersama-sama tidak terlena dalam drama yang hanya ada di benak dan berfikir sejenak "Apa yang dapat disyukuri hari ini?"

Sebenarnya notes ini saya tulis lebih untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri bahwa tadi pagi semua dimulai dengan baik maka tidaklah baik untuk memejam mata dengan perasaan sebaliknya. Dan tidak ada salahnya untuk stop membuat drama-drama di benak saya, dan mulai berfikir mengenai hal-hal baik dari semua kejadian yang ada.

Karena selalu ada kesenangan di balik semua kesedihan, dan pelajaran di setiap cobaan. Serta berpuluh-puluh ribu kesenangan lain yang bahkan tidak disertai dengan kesusahpayahan..

btw: yang menjadi model itu adik sepupu saya, adik fachri. terimakasih yah boleh foto kaosnya :)

oh human

2010-06-23T02:47:00.002+07:00

why do people lies?

what is wrong with telling the truth?

bitter truth is always more pleasing than a comfortable lie, we are all know it very well, yet we still telling lies.

I will be just fine, yes I am

2010-06-23T01:17:00.005+07:00

everyday is SUNDAY yaaaayyy!!

yes, yes, yes, it is holiday baby.. and i couldn't be more excited. Well actually it's been like 3 weeks but I've been so busy doing some holidays things which is doing nothing hahha :p, oh lazy me. But that is holiday is all about, being lazy without feel any guilt of doing that.

In the other hand, ironically while me lying in the sun, have some fun going here and there, all my friends, and when i said ALL it means ALL OF THEM are having an internship. It seems that i am going to be the only person who is not going to spill how the internship's days was when the holiday is over. blah!

And so, to payback everything that i cannot spill, I am going to make this holiday a BLASSSSTTT!!!

I wont regret the fact that i choose to have some real fun instead of gaining some new experiences in the "real working world". I belief that hold on to this vacation mood is the best, and when my time is coming for me to finally feel the tense of internship thingy, i will be prepared and give out my best.

so this time I'll just have some fun.

cheers and good luck for my friends and their internships. HAVE FUN!

hello birds

2010-06-23T00:59:00.002+07:00

Fly fly fly away

my black swallow bird

bring bring away all the sorrows

see the world from way up high

never come back 'til you get your adventure done

Whoaa how i love my new blog's background. There's always something about me and birds :)

dream a little dream of me

2010-06-13T03:02:00.003+07:00

It's 3:04 in the morning, still lie awake, thinking of what is missing

btw this is my fav.creation by far

thanks God for inventing the music

2010-06-07T02:03:00.002+07:00

* song is the picture of a soul *

you and i and music and a long conversation for hours.

and if we somehow lost our words, we'll just use note

we'll make it rhyme

wait and hear it clearly,

in a sec we'll talk in harmony

oh oh oh

how life would be so easy

if i live with someone who understands my song

just see me through the melody

capture my soul by the song i sing

kebencian dalam senyap

2010-05-27T12:01:00.004+07:00

sunyi itu amarah

yang hanya bisa dilukiskan oleh darah

memuncah

namum tak terucap

bibir ku terkatup rapat

namun bukan lenyap

hanya berharap

kamu tidak buta dan bisa melihat

dia tetap ada di tempat semestinya berada walau aku tahu kebencian hanya akan menjauhkan aku dari aku

2010-05-13T13:07:00.003+07:00

i am a girl
behind the steering wheel
on a dead machine

how i wished for you to help me turning the machine on

miss missy

2010-05-12T12:18:00.002+07:00

somehow

i miss that puff

that makes me feel alive

a sip of blow

that takes away all the sorrow

i miss that thing

that i can count on as a friend

cause i could have it linger forever in my hand

sembari menunggu ibu

2010-05-06T15:37:00.002+07:00

aku menunggu ibu
memunggungi kawan yang sibuk bergoyang
sambil sesekali berteriak dengan nada yang sudah diatur sedemikian rupa
yang membuatku selalu menengok kebelakang
penasaran
gaya apa lagi sekarang?

pandangku menembus gelas kaca
tumben hari ini ibu kota tidak merayap
mungkin lelah
seperti gadis dibalik kaca itu
atau dia yang duduk di depan meja
sendirian
bergengaman dengan benda yang sepertinya mampu menyapu kesepian

alunan lagu KOC yang sayup terdengar
tertutup oleh bunyi lebah-lebah pekerja
yang tak kunjung henti bergumam
sayang merdu si penyayi jadi tidak terdengar
padahal aku memfavoritkan mereka

sambil sibuk menebak lagu yang sedang diputar
pandangku jatuh pada mereka yang di mabuk cinta
sesaat mereka terdiam menghirup bau harum yang khas
lalu tersenyum puas

disampingku
dua laki laki tegap
memgang gagang besi
lagi lagi tersenyum simpul
palsu
pada mereka yang lalu lalang
pasti mereka bosan
Hidupnya stagnan

dua meja ke arah kiri
dua bapak sibuk sendiri
berdasi
tapi logatnya macam preman kediri

waktu berlalu
si gadis di balik kaca kini sudah tidak sendiri
koleganya sudah datang
dan ibu masih entah dimana
padahal minuman oranyeku tinggal setengah..

3:38 yang kulihat waktu menunggu ibu di kedai kopi

a finger will always leave its mark

2010-04-17T00:44:00.003+07:00

Blaaaafff..
You touched the cake that I am about to eat, again!

Eerrr..
It is so disgusting for heaven sake, to have a mark of your dirty finger

in things that I am about to enjoy
Why can you just mind your own cake, since you have one for your own?

Ah well, one is never enough for you, no?

uh, don't you think this cupcake is so cute?

nocturnal mind

2010-04-14T01:39:00.002+07:00

it's 2:31 and how i wished that I was born from some nocturnal clan

things are randomly dancing inside my head while I have no energy left to write them down and make a good writing of it

and what is worse is by the time I wake up tomorrow and have all the energy, I will have forget about them..huff.. (see my sentence is getting cluttered..)

a sweet reward for curious me

2010-04-14T00:24:00.003+07:00

เรา รัก ในหลวง
rao rák nai lŭang
we;us (to)love king

hell yes i finally found out the meaning of the sentence that is written in my bracelet. The bracelet it self is a souvenir from my friend who went to Bangkok last month, and I've been corious like hell with what the sentence say ever since, and tonight I finally solved the puzlle yihhhaaaa!!!

thanks to http://www.convthai.net/ and http://www.thai2english.com/online/

beleive me, it's not as easy as clicking your mouse on google..

while i sip my expensive coffee

2010-04-02T14:30:00.002+07:00

I ask my self, what am I doing?

Act like a thief
crawl into my own house
In the middle of the night

Wake up noon
While nobody see

And I believe they who are not understand
Will judge me lazy

The sun, the beaches, and holidays
Were my best friends
Until I have to sweat and pledge on my knees
on public holidays

Oh well this isn't me
I am not taking order
Nor willingly pleasing strangers that being called as a king sincerely
Since I am the bossy kind

Oh well probably maybe
This is what I have to get through
Until I heard my true calling

And now here I am waiting
frowning and complaining
wandering what my life would be after i left this hell
Over a tumbler of the most expensive coffee and pastries
that I wish could make me feel any better and lucky

worried sick

2010-03-19T02:23:00.002+07:00

I am so affraid and worried with zillion things while in the other hand I always be the one who tell them to relax and throw away all those worries. It's always easier to give out wise words and encouragements to others than to ourself, no?

hopeless

2010-03-19T01:39:00.003+07:00

It seems like this year is going to be a though year if I wont change myself into somebody that I am not.
Because people who loves me for the way I am some are about to leave and the others busy with their own business
While my paradise where I can express the truly inner me is turning into hell for me..

aaaaarrrrgggggghhh..

role play

2010-03-19T01:00:00.004+07:00

ini gimana yah,
saya yang terlalu banyak bergerak apa mereka saja yang pantatnya berat?
saya yang kebanyakan haha-hihi apa mereka saja yang tidak tahu cara senang-senang?
saya yang tidak pernah tahu apa mereka yang memang tidak mau kasih tahu?

siapa jadi apa siapa tahu apa siapa dimana siapa harus melakukan apa siapa patut apa siapa dapat apa siapa jadi siapa

beritahu siapa saya dimata mereka biar saya tahu harus jadi siapa..

*entah kenapa sesaat hati saya terenyuh saat mem-posting tulisan ini :(

there's no way to satisfy a human

2010-03-10T23:30:00.012+07:00

no one will ever be good enough for anyone,
but they who truly care will appreciate the effort.

take a time out for yourself

2010-03-08T23:48:00.006+07:00

Don't you think that sometimes we're too busy to think and mind everyone elses' problems than to think about what we really need for ourselves?

Oh hello people, for one sec. please do stop talking and taking care about someone else's life. When i said "talking and taking care about someone else's life" I don't refer it to all those bad habits such gossiping and being kepo. I mean it literally, you know taking care of someone's problems as if it's yours and the feeling to always being heroic and nice all the time. Believe me, at some points in your life you have to stop and taste a little sip of fun in life just for your own. Sure, taking care of people that we love, esp. they who loved you back is good. But really, how are we supposed to help others while we don't even care for ourselves?

So, please STOP for a moment, and ask yourself these questions:

"What do I really need?"

"Am I happy enough?"

"Is there something wrong with my life?"

"Do I have to fix it?"

Because you need just as much attention as the other needs you

new toy

2010-02-24T00:21:00.004+07:00

Few days ago I found this exciting site called picnik. In this site you can edit your photos in just a click away, and suddennly you'll feel like your a pro photoshop user hahaha.. These are some of my creations using picnik:

ahhh i miss my besties..

“if you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy”

-proverb qoutes-

my lovely cat pet, Inul :)

forgive yourself then forgive others

give me one particular hobby and i would be really happy

2010-02-20T02:30:00.003+07:00

Lately i feel like my life is having a gradual decrease. Suddenly I just lost all my passion. Every morning I wake up, and it's just like "poof" I don't know what i am gonna do for the rest of the day. Oh God, I am so boring and yet kinda trapped in my oh-so-boring daily routine. I guess I need to find some other life outside. But then another problems and question marks come, what kind of life do I wanna have? How am I supposed to get them?

I am thinking to join some club, but i don't have any specific interest in something, and well it's kinda hard to find some club for someone who seems have no interest in everything. The idea taking foreign language course also crossed my mind, but then again i asked my self "Do I have time to do it in the work days?" or "If it's on the weekend then when is my holiday?" And as always I meet a dead end.

Aaahh i just need to meet some new people with new things to talked about..

oh hey hello, you're breaking your promise (again)

2010-02-19T10:21:00.006+07:00

you spitted out things
as always
million promises
to have everyone feel pleased

I cannot let you go

2010-02-02T14:45:00.002+07:00

Sondre Lerche, I Cannot Let You Go

With sleight of hand and force of will
Closets full of odd-sized shoes to fill
I better be a gifted kid
To undo some of the deeds you did

In 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
You're gonna be alone, gonna be alone, it's gonna be late
Forgive you anything

I try to shake it but it just won't do
And it's all coming back to me now
So we'll pretend or make up something new
You can push me away but I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go

The rubber band is wearing thin
Bursting as reality kicks in
All hope should be at long last lost
But you'll defy all sense at any cost

In 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
You're gonna be alone, gonna be alone, it's gona be late
Forgive you anything

I try to shake it but it just won't do
And it's all coming back to me now
So let's pretend or make up something new
But there's no getting back to the start
I try to shake it but it just won't do
You can push me away but I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go, I cannot let you go

In 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
You're gonna be alone, gonna be alone, gonna be late
Forgive you anything

I try to shake it but it just won't do
And it's all coming back to me now
So let's pretend or make up something new
But there's no getting back to the start
I'll be a father, you can be a son
Till I can't even tell us apart
I tried to shake it but the deal is done
You can push me away but I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go (let you go)
Try as I may I know I cannot let you go (let you go)
I cannot let you go (5x)

oh such a waste on everything

2010-02-02T14:41:00.001+07:00

Tell me what, you think this is funny?
Spending all my time and my money
Trying to find
How you really feel.

-heartbeat radio, sondre lerche-

you choose

2010-02-02T14:35:00.003+07:00

"is either my life really perfect and fine or me who just a perfect and good liar"

why should i hate you friend?

2010-01-30T23:22:00.002+07:00

A few days ago or a week i must say, a friend told me to write down 10 things that I hate and might thought wrong about him. I honestly never have any thought like that about my friends. I mean like i never count my friends flaws, since a friend in my point of view, would never done such things. But after he popped out the idea, it really makes me think about what are things that I hate or I found wrong about him and some other friends. Well this is my answer for such weird demand

1. I hate their kindness that always put me on a worry that i would never be able to pay them back
2. I hate the way they make me feel being needed as if i am one heroic bitch
3. I hate the way they make me feel as if my life has no problem
4. I hate their luck.. yes I'm so jealous with their luck, with how they can have everything at the same time
5-10?

i dont know. i dont have a clue. Really, why should i hate my friends? I take them just the way they are.

L.O.V.E

2010-01-30T17:04:00.003+07:00

making someone as your priority though you're just an option for them

useless

pointless

tiring

waste of time

profitless manifestation in life

wrong track

2010-01-23T00:57:00.004+07:00

letter to a friend,

I wished for you to finally find a way back home..

because there's nothing in this world that's worthy enough for you to leave your family behind

i finally made peace with my self

2010-01-19T23:08:00.003+07:00

It's really never been your fault or her, it's always mine but I've forgive myself and ready for another excitement of life.. :)

Aaaahhh what a relief..

aku lega hingga rasanya hampir melayang

jika saja aku dan kamu nyata

2010-01-15T20:04:00.003+07:00

mungkin pagi-pagi kau akan temukan roti coklat terpanggang sempurna siap disantap
ditemani bunga lili warna ungu yang kupetik langsung saat mereka baru merekah
dengan susu segar baru diperah dari sapi-sapi merah jambu

lalu siang saat kau sibuk berkeluh kesah tentang peluh dan susah
aku akan datang membawa kotak kebahagiaan
berisi lolipop dan gula-gula
beralaskan tikar kotak-kotak kita berpiknik bersama
dibawah pohon apel karamel yang selalu berbunga

menjelang sore yang temaram
aku hadiahkan engkau layang-layang
lalu kita akan berlomba,
sambil bercerita tentang mimpi-mimpi
yang tidak pernah terlalu tinggi

dan malam pun tiba, dengan aku purnama akan selalu bulat sempurna
aku akan membacakanmu dongeng para peri
berbagi imaji-imaji yang hanya kita yang tahu
aku akan membawa mu menuju dunia mimpi
tidak akan ada lagi resah dan insomnia,
dengan lantunan ku kau akan lelap walau dalam gelap

bayangkanlah kejutan dari ku jika saja kau bercerita lebih awal..

i am a joker, you better beware when i laugh

2010-01-14T12:05:00.002+07:00

when i laugh, is when i serious the most!

visitor

2010-01-14T11:40:00.003+07:00

"A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seing why i was the one worth leaving"

-The Postal Service, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight-

book of spells

2010-01-14T11:30:00.003+07:00

I am an open book of spells. Everyone can read me, only few can truly understands.

since you're that pathetic

2010-01-14T11:20:00.005+07:00

what if..
i cried as much as her that night?
i love you more then she loves you this whole time?
i frankly spoke and expressed it from the first time?

will things be diffrent?

two wasted stupid years

2010-01-14T10:44:00.003+07:00

what is normal? what is abnormal? what is insane? what is sane? am I passive or aggresive?
do i state my mind clear enough or not?

when i thought we're making something, it turns out that you're busy making something with someone else

we're just never have the same persepctive this whole two years, don't we?

even a donkey wont fall on the same hole

2010-01-10T02:12:00.002+07:00

you're a monster!
even a man with his imperfectness
know where to stop and what to fix

you're just never get your self satisfied, are you?

it's so sad for me for being cheerful all the time

2010-01-10T01:59:00.005+07:00

really..
it's not like because she act more pitiful and melancholic
then she deserve a better place

why do you and your colony always put excuses for her?

you owe me an apology and a story

2010-01-10T01:51:00.002+07:00

You're just never understand what I've in mind.

tell me, what is big problem in your point of you?

2010-01-10T01:08:00.007+07:00

I've shared and told everything
I'm sorry if they're not big enough for you

you should be grateful to have a friend like me
that never asked too much attention

and if my problem doesn't fit to your requirements as a friend
I'm ready to leave if you want me too
but, well, it's gonna be your lost
cause, no one want to hear your story like I do

start think about things you really want not what they want you to have

2010-01-08T10:58:00.008+07:00

why don't you just sit and stop?
asking tits and tats won't give you a way out
ask for help but don't let 'em decide

sometimes you're just way too busy with what others have in thought

and i am so glad that we never really decided where to stop

2010-01-06T00:14:00.004+07:00

they say,
we are like a flowing river
no, we are so much worse
even a flowing river knows that someday it will meet the sea

they say,
we are like trapped in a huge labirin
no, even labirin has its' way out
well I am not sure if we have something to be solved

for me,
we are just a journey that is so close to nowhere..
but here's a secret I want to share
i kinda enjoyed this pointless journey actually..

oh I should stop, shouldn't i?

all my life i've been listening to every single voices, but there're just not mine

2010-01-04T00:19:00.003+07:00

I belief that your not believe me
I belief that there is not one single faith from you in me

and how am I supposed to convinced you that i am trustworthy enough, if you don't even give me a room to listen and have a little faith on my heart?

it seems like you dont understand what is hard for me

2010-01-04T00:09:00.005+07:00

we've been arguing for everything.
everything that i want, but you wont give me
everything that you wished, but still i cannot accomplish

i know that you've tried your best to give me the best.
please do see me as I see you
belive me i've tried to give you my best too

2010-01-03T02:08:00.003+07:00

to end the 2009 and to celebrate my 21th birthday, i commited my self to at least finished one cross sticth pattern. And here it is, my first ever cross sticth that finally looks like something, hahha..

oh, how i love this little blue bird work of art..

for me, a flying blue bird represents freedom. Freedom from all those sorrows that has been burden us. To move on from the past.

happy new year! ;)

2010..

2010-01-03T01:33:00.004+07:00

Time flies. Fast. Really fast I must say

Before I realize i haven't done something big, it just POP! and there goes the new year's bell ringing.

I didn't have any particular resolution for last year new year acctualy. So, I cannot appraised wether I had a flunk or sucess year. All i know is, there were some ups and downs in every aspects of my life the last 12 months that gave me a bunch of life's lessons.

But hey, that's life. It full of things, form worst to the best. All you have to do is save the good things as nice remembrance and forget all the sorrow. Face the future and learn from the past.

Happy new year! may the all goods follow and left the sorrows behind :)

and here are some new year's greetings from Mr.Jimmy Liao

sweet proper revange

2009-12-23T14:25:00.002+07:00

Someday somehow
i'll have zillion of stories just like yours

Someday somehow
I'll share them with you all day, months, or even years long

Someday somehow
I'll drive you carzy with them..

sorry

2009-12-20T21:46:00.000+07:00

I am mad and i am sick of blaming my self. So, i am blaming you

Sorry.. It was always my fault :(

make peace with the past

2009-12-20T00:10:00.001+07:00

I've tried and I cried

to win is always taste even sweeter

2009-12-19T10:34:00.001+07:00

i really mean it when i said nothing to lose
but to win the competition always taste even better

viva victory

call me one ambititous bitch
but hell yes. deep inside i am

it's december baby!!

2009-12-06T17:07:00.004+07:00

and i love how Mr.Jimmy Liao used my favorite pic. for his monthly online bulletin's calendar..

have a verry merry great December everyone! :D

happy happy joy joy day

2009-11-30T11:12:00.004+07:00

waw yesterday was a very merry happy happy joy joy day, hahaha. It was Au's birthday, and so me and several friends, held a surprise party for her. And in return she treated us all day long,,hhhahaa from karokeing 'til ninja assasin-ing hihi.. thanks a bunch yah Uk! wish you a merry birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAG ORI!!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

aku pulang dari pesta topeng yang sangat panjang

2009-11-26T19:28:00.004+07:00

hari ini aku ingi bergelut dengan kesedihan
berkecipak dengan air mata

hari ini aku ingin bermanja-manja dengan kekalutan

membangunkan kejujuran yang lama tetidur pulas
setelah lama berpesta pora dalam kepalsuan

Hey, I am not a mind reader. Say it frankly or i'll be gone forever!

2009-11-24T20:30:00.005+07:00

gambar ini lucu berasal dari sini :)

none of us is a real good fighter

2009-11-23T11:17:00.004+07:00

Arguing with you in the morning is like having sour milk for breakfast, then stepping on a dog poo along the way. The taste will still remains on the tongue and the smell will always follow all day long..

"If you could read my mind. You'd say baby you're right. And I don't
wanna fight anymore. You're usually righter than I am. And I'm not a very good fighter. And my, neither are you"
-jack johnson, same girl-