2017

i knew that
it is unbearable to not wanting anything in return
after investing so much (emotionally) on a person


and so i stopped


on investing


on wanting anything in return

and 2017 seems to flew so fast

and here i am in 2018 without the need of being attached on anything or anyone



it feels like a good start (somehow)

yet, feels like its bound to be lonely

I found love
In senses that i thought i was lost it all
But you're making it there again

When all those scribbled letters
Start making into words
And all those tough questions
Finding an aswer

When all those wandered nights seems to be very wonderful

Then I know that I've found it

What are people (you) lookin for?

all you need is on the table
but you seems wanna have a little cherry on top
or colder side dish
or sweeter desert

the turkey is not hot enough you say
the salad is greener on the other side

lemme tell you somethin
in this beautiful 4th of july

everythin served was cooked with love
and that is what you missed
when you put your napkin back

Continuum

Some people are lucky enouh to found and managed to settle as loyal spouse to their so called soul - mate forever in their life.

I found myself lucky enough to get the chance to know you.

We might not share those romantic affections or ever waking up in the same bed (god, thats gotta be really awkward :| ) . We don't even found ourselves meet every day. You know, some people were just destined to have their
own seperate way, and we are one of them.

But you know there's gonna be this one day. When everything seems to be fine between us, and we finally meet again in a halfway. And when that time comes we gonna talk as if the sun knows no dawn. We gonna share all this movies and books and music we have read, watched, and listened to, all the sceneries we have seen in our journey and those dirty little secret we made along the way.  Our smiles is even wider than ear to ear, and our laughs, yes our laughs, their just gonna be so loud as its just unbearable to hold them.

And when that day come, though it's just a short one day, it's gonna feel like we have shared a lifetime together.

Just right before the sun sets and we drift apart again to continue our own life, with a half full jar of happiness that we will cherish until our next rendevouz.

you give up so easily when i thought you're the fighting kind. since you always kinda sweat and fight for everything, even fighting with the administration man while maybe all he was doing was doing his job. just like when i thought you're the whithe-horse-riding-with-shining-armor-knight and jeng jeng down you came in a merry go round ride.

i am giving up on words
way too easily
shouldn't i try a little harder
on finding the right rhyme?
like
omelet and cigarette for the brunette in a beret, you're my lovette

in the nicest manner of speaking
i need you
no
i need me
no
i need us
to stop
at least
in my head

if this is what i can only have
then i better not having it any at all
because the idea of make myself believe that i have it
even not wholly
makes me sick to my bone
and if i have to be a pretender to be grateful
then well, i better not to be

stowaway

the last four years, were filled with too much acceptances or struggled to accept it, revenge plans, or lots and lots back up plans like trying to forget and forgive and lived with it, which ended up in more and more lies to self more and more denial more and more questions and doubt and really what am i trying to prove here? I've collected way too many evidences. and it is unfortunately tiring, killing me inside, eating me alive, I've tried almost everything to achieve too many goals that are useless and meaningless, because it was all lies, that I've lost myself along the way. I locked myself a little bit too long on things that i thought i would never achieve because I believed I can't, because I already believed that i am limited without even know what the limit is. I lost my interest almost in everything without even got the chance or let myself find out what it is. And please do mind my bad English because my mind were way to cluttered. I feel like I've wasted a freaking 4 and half years to prove myself i can or to prove them that it was wrong and yet til today i really don't know what i have to prove. It turned out to be nothing. which makes my last four years become more and more meaningless. I want to believe that there's nothing late for everything, but it turns out like it is already late. and in this very short break i got myself wonder which step i have to take. It is gonna be devastated to waste another year or day or even second to continue my four year journey. Yet it has been a pretty long journey just to leave it all behind. It is just that how am i supposed to find myself in a journey where I didn't even bought the ticket myself, i am just a stowaway.

oh
nagasaki hirosima di bom lagi
duar duar duar duar
di kepalaku
dan palang merah telat datang lagi

pembaca pikiran

Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang tidak terjawab
Tergantung di ujung-ujung jari yang terlalu berat
atau malah lebih parahnya lagi
saat tanda tanya lain keluar sebagai pembalas
Diantara pertanyaan iya-tidak
yang kamu (pura-pura) hiraukan
diam-diam aku yakin
aku tahu jawabannya (iya)

tell me how to stop

so i've decided not to go or even make any plan to go somewhere far before i've done this whole skripsi thinggy.

ah well tapi kan jauh itu relatif iya ga sih? :P



ya Allah cepetan dong selesainya :"(

just gone through my old posts. it brings a bittersweet feeling actually. i miss the old me who made a melancholy-colorful poetry for you. see, it's just make me realize that i am always in my best when i with you. grrr

eh ini apa sih blah sekali deh