if this is what i can only have
then i better not having it any at all
because the idea of make myself believe that i have it
even not wholly
makes me sick to my bone
and if i have to be a pretender to be grateful
then well, i better not to be

some people are lucky enough to know what things can make them happy.
well, unluckily i am not one of them.
There are things that i thought would make me happy once i got them, but then when it handed to me (or well in this case it wasn't handed though, i strive to death for it)i just don't feel anything in particular. just a big relief. not that i am not grateful, it's just not what i thought it would be.

but well the good thing is, i fully aware now that i have to continue living and trying lots and lots and lots of different things, taking chances and risk, til i found out what is suit me well. what makes happy.

i want to release everything that my body content. to emptied it out. fully. so that i will have nothing inside me. but not the kind of emptiness that will you leave a hole in your body or a lonely feeling after it. though, all this time I’ve put everything inside of me, and carried them around. yet, i still feel lonely most of the time. but you know, the kind of emptiness that will leave you a lighter body. that when you lay on the ground and made yourself a snow angel you’ll feel like the wind could lift you up off the ground. and when you close your eyes all you see is not a dark hole but a kaleidoscope sky.the emptiness that finally freed you.

better late than never no?

it takes three and a half years
471 notes in note pad
hundred unwritten poems in my head
and so much for #nomention letters in twitter and tumblr and here

for me to realized that no matter how good you're changing
if it turns you into a stranger to yourself
if you do it for other's sake
then it is not a good change

tie the knot

life is one ironic bitch isn't it?

so i've found this pic over my friend's tumblr a few times ago. and yet it still bothers me so much til now.
I used to believe that either those parallel lines wont ever meet or those lines that come from different direction meet and that's it. the idea that they're gonna drift apart again is somehow makes me sad.

but hey well. Can't we just tie those meet strings or lines or whatsoever it is into a very complicated knot that somehow it's pretty much impossible to untie it? or can't we just braid the rest of the string until it's very last end?

See, i know everything will drift apart in the end. but once those string meet there are thousands way to keep those met string tight up together until well maybe only death set them apart?

yeah at least those thoughts save me from such sad thoughts about those ironic strings

how to be a person?

being a human is easy after all
sleep well
wake up
take a deep breath (to convince that ur still alive)
take a long sigh
and walk the day

being a person?
well it's another story

just gone through my old posts. it brings a bittersweet feeling actually. i miss the old me who made a melancholy-colorful poetry for you. see, it's just make me realize that i am always in my best when i with you. grrr

eh ini apa sih blah sekali deh

it's just the time

i am not here nor there.i am just floating in space. well i always floating in space. in between the earth and my own universe. sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. sometimes it's lonely, sometimes i got my own company. mostly it's amazing. not anyone can have an adventure like mine. i have my own moon, mars, and venus. i could choose which planet i want to live in every single night. which star i want to ride.
but i am done exploring them, what i have left now?
i need to settle down a bit. rest my feet. but where?
well floating can be very tiring though

a floating gas balloon

have you ever been in a situation where you are too afraid to put on some hopes and yet too lazy to make some back-up plans? where you basically can't rely on anything or anyone. life with no purposes and aims not because you don't know what you want, but because you have feel satisfied enough with what you have and done, that you don't feel like you have to ask for anything else. Me, i am living it now.

yes, i have no goals, no direction, i might be lost in my own life.

but I've got things that wanted more than i thought i would and my basic needs fulfilled.

That all i wanna do is just to sit back and relax, watch the world spinning, do and think about nothing, with no plans to be worried about.

I guess this time I'll surrender my self in the hand of the wind and let it takes me where ever it wishes to take me.

and hopefully maybe when I finally touch the ground again I already know where i am heading to.

There are a lot more than a sadness (note to self)

Semua hal-hal buruk pasti ada ujungnya, pertanyaannya adalah apakah kita rela kehilangan mereka?

"People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."

-Chuck Palahniuk (via thechocolatebrigade)

Padahal mungkin saja that big scary unknown adalah kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan yang terlewatkan karena kita terlalu fokus pada hal-hal yang buruk dan tidak sesuai ekspektasi kita.

Toh sebenarnya selalu ada dua sisi dalam setiap hal yang terjadi di hidup kita, ada sedih maka ada senang, ada yang di dapat maka ada yang harus dikorbankan.

Pada kenyataannya hidup tidak selamanya menyuguhi hal-hal yang buruk, hanya saja kita yang selalu terlena dengan paradigma bahwa hal baik tidak terjadi selamanya, dan hal buruk akan selalu datang. Bersiap-siap dengan segala kemungkinan yang terburuk itu baik, tapi selalu memikirkan kemungkinan yang terburuk setiap saat membuat kita lupa akan adanya hal-hal dan kemungkinan lain yang menyenangkan.

Maka marilah kita bersama-sama tidak terlena dalam drama yang hanya ada di benak dan berfikir sejenak "Apa yang dapat disyukuri hari ini?"

Sebenarnya notes ini saya tulis lebih untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri bahwa tadi pagi semua dimulai dengan baik maka tidaklah baik untuk memejam mata dengan perasaan sebaliknya. Dan tidak ada salahnya untuk stop membuat drama-drama di benak saya, dan mulai berfikir mengenai hal-hal baik dari semua kejadian yang ada.

Karena selalu ada kesenangan di balik semua kesedihan, dan pelajaran di setiap cobaan. Serta berpuluh-puluh ribu kesenangan lain yang bahkan tidak disertai dengan kesusahpayahan..

btw: yang menjadi model itu adik sepupu saya, adik fachri. terimakasih yah boleh foto kaosnya :)

oh human

why do people lies?

what is wrong with telling the truth?

bitter truth is always more pleasing than a comfortable lie, we are all know it very well, yet we still telling lies.

I will be just fine, yes I am

everyday is SUNDAY yaaaayyy!!

yes, yes, yes, it is holiday baby.. and i couldn't be more excited. Well actually it's been like 3 weeks but I've been so busy doing some holidays things which is doing nothing hahha :p, oh lazy me. But that is holiday is all about, being lazy without feel any guilt of doing that.

In the other hand, ironically while me lying in the sun, have some fun going here and there, all my friends, and when i said ALL it means ALL OF THEM are having an internship. It seems that i am going to be the only person who is not going to spill how the internship's days was when the holiday is over. blah!

And so, to payback everything that i cannot spill, I am going to make this holiday a BLASSSSTTT!!!

I wont regret the fact that i choose to have some real fun instead of gaining some new experiences in the "real working world". I belief that hold on to this vacation mood is the best, and when my time is coming for me to finally feel the tense of internship thingy, i will be prepared and give out my best.

so this time I'll just have some fun.

cheers and good luck for my friends and their internships. HAVE FUN!

dream a little dream of me

It's 3:04 in the morning, still lie awake, thinking of what is missing

btw this is my fav.creation by far

thanks God for inventing the music

* song is the picture of a soul *

you and i and music and a long conversation for hours.

and if we somehow lost our words, we'll just use note

we'll make it rhyme

wait and hear it clearly,

in a sec we'll talk in harmony

oh oh oh

how life would be so easy

if i live with someone who understands my song

just see me through the melody

capture my soul by the song i sing

miss missy

somehow

i miss that puff

that makes me feel alive

a sip of blow

that takes away all the sorrow

i miss that thing

that i can count on as a friend

cause i could have it linger forever in my hand

worried sick

I am so affraid and worried with zillion things while in the other hand I always be the one who tell them to relax and throw away all those worries. It's always easier to give out wise words and encouragements to others than to ourself, no?

hopeless

It seems like this year is going to be a though year if I wont change myself into somebody that I am not.
Because people who loves me for the way I am some are about to leave and the others busy with their own business
While my paradise where I can express the truly inner me is turning into hell for me..

aaaaarrrrgggggghhh..

there's no way to satisfy a human

no one will ever be good enough for anyone,
but they who truly care will appreciate the effort.

take a time out for yourself

Don't you think that sometimes we're too busy to think and mind everyone elses' problems than to think about what we really need for ourselves?

Oh hello people, for one sec. please do stop talking and taking care about someone else's life. When i said "talking and taking care about someone else's life" I don't refer it to all those bad habits such gossiping and being kepo. I mean it literally, you know taking care of someone's problems as if it's yours and the feeling to always being heroic and nice all the time. Believe me, at some points in your life you have to stop and taste a little sip of fun in life just for your own. Sure, taking care of people that we love, esp. they who loved you back is good. But really, how are we supposed to help others while we don't even care for ourselves?

So, please STOP for a moment, and ask yourself these questions:

"What do I really need?"

"Am I happy enough?"

"Is there something wrong with my life?"

"Do I have to fix it?"

Because you need just as much attention as the other needs you