stowaway

the last four years, were filled with too much acceptances or struggled to accept it, revenge plans, or lots and lots back up plans like trying to forget and forgive and lived with it, which ended up in more and more lies to self more and more denial more and more questions and doubt and really what am i trying to prove here? I've collected way too many evidences. and it is unfortunately tiring, killing me inside, eating me alive, I've tried almost everything to achieve too many goals that are useless and meaningless, because it was all lies, that I've lost myself along the way. I locked myself a little bit too long on things that i thought i would never achieve because I believed I can't, because I already believed that i am limited without even know what the limit is. I lost my interest almost in everything without even got the chance or let myself find out what it is. And please do mind my bad English because my mind were way to cluttered. I feel like I've wasted a freaking 4 and half years to prove myself i can or to prove them that it was wrong and yet til today i really don't know what i have to prove. It turned out to be nothing. which makes my last four years become more and more meaningless. I want to believe that there's nothing late for everything, but it turns out like it is already late. and in this very short break i got myself wonder which step i have to take. It is gonna be devastated to waste another year or day or even second to continue my four year journey. Yet it has been a pretty long journey just to leave it all behind. It is just that how am i supposed to find myself in a journey where I didn't even bought the ticket myself, i am just a stowaway.

ignorance is a bliss, indeed

let’s for once be an audience of this messy chaotic life of ours.
sit back and relax.
put your i pod on, turn the volume up and listen to your favorite song.
watch the people running around crazily.
chasing the bus.
running late for an interview.
study hard for the exam.
cursing and yelling to the neighbor’s dog.
nod your head up and down.
not to them but to your favorite song.
let all the good chances slip away through your finger.
and just singing along
to your favorite song.
isn’t it great?
and when you don’t feel enough
just push the repeat button
on your favorite song

inspired from here

postcard malam

dan aku jadi bingung harus membantu siapa terlebih dahulu, diriku sendiri atau kamu?
bisakah kita bersama-sama bahu membahu saja?
yah semoga bisa.


well anyway. goodnight, sleep tight, don't let your mind eat you alive. :*

Pada suatu malam

Malam ini aku harus menulis sesuatu, entah apa, namun ada rasa menggebu yang mengharuskannya. Andai saja aku mempunyai daya khayal yang tinggi, mungkin saat ini aku sedang sibuk membuat cerita dongeng seperti dirinya. Tentang rumah kue di padang savanna, atau kurcaci-kurcaci penambang emas di hutan para peri.

Aku ingin menulis mengenai hal-hal yang aku suka, seperti cerita fable mengenai burung-burung bersayap indah dan penguhuni hutan atau mengenai bintang-bintang laut yang anggun dan serdadu kuda laut yang gagah di negeri para duyung. Aku ingin menulis roman yang berakhir bahagia dengan putri-putri yang diselamatkan pangeran berkuda. aku ingin menyelesaikan semua cerita yang pernah kukarang setengah-setengah di dalam benak, aku ingin menulis tentang semuanya dan harus malam ini.

Malam ini aku harus membuktikan bahwa mungkin saja aku menang. Entah kepada siapa, entah untuk apa, yang aku tahu hanya malam ini rasanya pas saja.

Malam ini semua harus selesai dan aku tidak tahu harus memulai dari mana. Mungkin aku harus mulai dengan kalimat “pada suatu hari”?

Baiklah,

Pada suatu malam (karena ini sudah sangat larut),

Aku kalut lagi.

Bbknmdg15,1Aug10 ,2.20 dini hari