oh my dear Lord it is december for gracious sake.

oh my dear Lord, is it December already? happy things are waiting for me. happy things that i wish i could postponed for a sec a day or two. birthday, christmas, and new year that i wish would come late.

a not so happy thing that i wish would come late too. deadline.
i cant even helped myself to count how many days are left.

worried sick

I am so affraid and worried with zillion things while in the other hand I always be the one who tell them to relax and throw away all those worries. It's always easier to give out wise words and encouragements to others than to ourself, no?

hopeless

It seems like this year is going to be a though year if I wont change myself into somebody that I am not.
Because people who loves me for the way I am some are about to leave and the others busy with their own business
While my paradise where I can express the truly inner me is turning into hell for me..

aaaaarrrrgggggghhh..

give me one particular hobby and i would be really happy

Lately i feel like my life is having a gradual decrease. Suddenly I just lost all my passion. Every morning I wake up, and it's just like "poof" I don't know what i am gonna do for the rest of the day. Oh God, I am so boring and yet kinda trapped in my oh-so-boring daily routine. I guess I need to find some other life outside. But then another problems and question marks come, what kind of life do I wanna have? How am I supposed to get them?

I am thinking to join some club, but i don't have any specific interest in something, and well it's kinda hard to find some club for someone who seems have no interest in everything. The idea taking foreign language course also crossed my mind, but then again i asked my self "Do I have time to do it in the work days?" or "If it's on the weekend then when is my holiday?" And as always I meet a dead end.

Aaahh i just need to meet some new people with new things to talked about..

visitor

"A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seing why i was the one worth leaving"

-The Postal Service, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight-

since you're that pathetic

what if..
i cried as much as her that night?
i love you more then she loves you this whole time?
i frankly spoke and expressed it from the first time?

will things be diffrent?

aku pulang dari pesta topeng yang sangat panjang

hari ini aku ingi bergelut dengan kesedihan
berkecipak dengan air mata

hari ini aku ingin bermanja-manja dengan kekalutan

membangunkan kejujuran yang lama tetidur pulas
setelah lama berpesta pora dalam kepalsuan

bye bye to do list

why is it so hard for me to do the to do list?
Gee!

A few months ago, in the early of this semester, I've promised to my self to work a little harder and give focus a little more on my study, and there were only 6 things to do on my to do list right back then.

1. attend the class, just like what i supposed to do. no skipping for silly and organizational reasons
2. take more and more notes during the class. no more day dreaming and silly drawing.
3. always, ALWAYS copied the hand out, right after the class is over. no more titip kiri titip kanan, or wait until h-1 uts day. and buy a map to put and organized them
4. buy all the books that are needed. AND READ THEM!
5. do all the assignments, espc. assignments that are involving some numbers and quantitative techniques BY MYSELF no more copy and paste. (remember practice makes perfect!)
6. hire a credible accounting tutor

and as the time goes by this is what happened so far:
1. skipping class, for a lot and lot silly and organizational reasons.
2. I take notes, lot of them, but only for several subjects and only if the tutor hand's writing is good, which most of them are not!
3. I bought new map, the best one, where you can separate every subjects' handouts. but the problem is, i don't copied the hand outs, yet right after class or before the uts day. so the map is still remains empty til now :(
4. I bought all the book and read them ONLY WHEN THE EXAM DAY IS COMING, but still it's a good sign hahha *sigh*
5. O do all the accounting and quantitative assignment by myself, until i realized that all my counting were wrong. Ahhh.. and so here we go again..the copy cat girl back in action. (ps: i never copy and paste essay assignments. I swear)
6. no tutor are hired.. i don't even searched for them (sorry mother)

plussss...
A zillion to do lists that is consist anything but my study. Like helping my friend with their campaign, do the organizational thingy because sadly they're in a huge debt right now, and any other things to do that somehow, as i rewind my mind, has nothing to do with me! ah shit.




oh please, dear God the almighty who own the universe, please makes my way easy

toples permen racun

aku terkungkung di toples penuh bola-bola permen

yang memberikan kesenangan-kesenangan semu

gula gula manis palsu

warna warni pewarna racun pelangi

pembuat adiksi

girang-girang senang lalu sakit gigi

time will heal

dear time,
please do work right
heal me..

all i need is some peace of mind

i'm going to go
to a very far far away land
where everything is pure and untouched
nice and quite

so i can
at least
have some peace of mind
and peace with myself
before in the end
forget and forgive you

menyendiri, memeluk bulan

wake up call

Why does it take You two long and wasted years, just for the sake of slapping me on the face?
Really, I mean it is just way too late now

But still, thank you for the wake up call
At least now I finally awaken from the oh-so-long amazing dream

Well I guess, it is always better late than never, no?

Misplaced

O o salah tempat. Sial!

Memang sih aku juga tidak terlalu tempat yang pas dan benar itu seperti apa, tapi aku tahu bukan disini. Dan itu pasti, aku yakin.
Seperti keyakinan orang-orang akan pinguin yang pasti mati dalam sesaat, jika tiba-tiba Tuhan menjatuhkan dia dari langit ke tengah-tengah gurun sahara.

Harusnya waktu itu, waktu si kaki yang maha manja mengeluh kalau dia sudah lelah berjalan dan mencari, aku pura-pura tidak dengar saja. Harusnya aku jalan terus dan mengangap ucapannya angin lalu. Terus melangkah, terus mencari. Bukannya malah berhenti dan nurutin keluh kesah si manja, terus ikut-ikutan terbawa malas dan memilih pasrah lalu menyerah dan terjebak selamanya di tempat ini.

Tempat indah yang terkutuk. Tempatnya berlangit oranye keeamsan, seperti warna langit saat matahari terbenam dengan sempurna. Tempat impian orang-orang yang mengejar kesuksesan. Dimana kesenangan menjadi prioritas kesekian. Semua ambisius, semua mengejar harta sampai mampus. Kerja rodi sudah pasti, rutin dikerjakan setiap hari dan ujung-ujungnya si kaki manja lagi-lagi berkeluh kesah, tiap hari makin menjadi-jadi. Sial, dasar kaki malas gak pernah puas.

Sekarang tiap hari aku harus pura-pura. Pura-pura suka, pura-pura nyaman, pura-pura tidak ada apa-apa, pura-pura pas, pura-pura senang kerja rodi, pura-pura ambisius seperti mereka. Padahal aku saja tidak tahu apa yang mereka kejar, selain harta tentunya.
Cih!
Dasar orang-orang miskin ambisius tidak berguna

Selain jadi tukang pura-pura, tinggal disini pun membuat ku jadi pendusta. Pendusta handal, nomor satu sejagad raya. Apalagi saat aku harus membalas surat kiriman dari Ibunda Raja, yang kerjaannya bulak-balik bertanya bagaimana kabar dan perkembangku di disini. Isi surat balasan tentu saja dusta semua, aku selalu bilang aku suka dan baik-baik saja. Pernah suatu ketika saat aku sangat lelah berdusta dan mengarang surat yang isinya bohong semua, aku sedikit menyelipkan kata-kata yang menyiratkan aku tertekan dan tidak suka disini. Oh tapi memang kejujuran terkadang membawa luka, surat Ibunda raja berikutnya isinya jadi caci maki semua. Mulai hari itu aku selalu membalas surat nya dengan dusta seperti biasa. Lagipula tidak ada salahnya membuat dia sedikit bahagia.

Coba yah, coba..
Kalau saja aku waktu itu pura-pura tidak dengar ke si kaki, mungkin aku sudah ada di tempat yang seharusnya aku berada. Mungkin di tempat indah itu, yang biasanya hanya aku kunjungi dikala liburan, atau kala ada waktu senggang. Tempat yang langit nya merah jambu, warna favoritku. Tempatnya tidak terlalu jauh dari tempat ku sekarang, hanya beberapa langkah kaki, ah andai waktu itu aku berjalan sedikit lagi. Sial!

Dan sekarang aku menyesal.
Cih
Sungguh
Aku paling benci jika harus menyesal begini. Tiada berguna, toh nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Dan yang paling aku benci adalah, menyesal membuat ku jadi lebih benci sama diri sendiri. Menyesal seperti membuka luka lama yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Mencuatkan kembali rasa perih ke permukaan.

Tapi mau bagaimana lagi? Rasa penyesalan itu tidak pernah mau pergi, menghantuiku dan si kaki pemalas sialan siang dan malam. Membisikan kepedihan, mengingatkan ku siapa yang paling salah disini, setiap saat setiap waktu. Ah sekali lagi, sungguh sial!

Haaaaah lihat saja kalau sudah masanya aku pergi dari sini dan hasilnya tidak seindah yang dijanjikan dan seterang si langit emas. Aku akan...............

(sungguh aku tidak tahu harus menyalahkan siapa, tapi tetap saja rasanya aku butuh seseorang untuk disalahkan. Bukankah aku akan terlalu frustatsi nantinya untuk dapat menyalahkan diriku sendiri lebih jauh lagi, jika sudah keluar dari tempat ini dan tetap tidak bahagia?)

sungguh aku hilang arah di tempat ini

a secret behind my secrets

sometimes, i keep a secret
just because i want to know how to feel having something as my only own
just for the sake of having something that no one else's could
and so i could feel a little bit more special

and now i truly beleive that the phrase "Becareful with what you pray for" is true

well,this is
what i am
praying for

your happiness, i might say
my misery, for that i'm sure

and now you leave me here
all alone
feeling miserable
while you are gone
with your bundle of joy

it is like i'm plunging off to a bottemlss cliff without a place to cling

my heart know:as dark as the depth of the deepest ocean

what a disappointing
achivement

that drags me
to
a never ending sadness
and a regret that will linger forever